Mom

Last Sunday was 9/11. Here is my journal entry from that night...
"Today is the 10th anniversary of the tragedy that happened when the U.S. was attacked by terrorists. However, I'm mourning tonight for an even greater (for me) loss. Around 9:45pm I was coming out of the bedroom after getting my pajamas on an was startled by loud knocking on the door. I answered it to see my sister, Aimee there, followed by my sister-in-law, Karyn and my brother, Mike. I could tell something was up because I could tell they had been crying and they asked if they could come in and talk to Tom and I. Tom and I sat on the couch as Aimee told us of the car accident my parents were in on their way to St. George that day. The wind and rain was too much and had caused the car to roll. My dad was bruised pretty bad, had lost consciousness for a bit and was currently in the St. George hospital. My mom had died instantly in the crash.
How shocked I was to hear this! It was total disbelief as I had never imagined having my mom die so young and so sudden. I cried. I wailed. I bawled.
I had just seen my mom yesterday (Sat. 9/10) at Lily's baptism. She said the closing prayer, then after hugged me and we said our good bye since she wasn't feeling good and wasn't coming to our house after. I'm sure I told her I loved her since she was always so good about saying that. Later, she left some messages on my answering machine. One was for Lily, so I saved it and I still have it there. Tonight (Sun. 9/11) Lily and I read through the testimonies of those who came to the baptism. My mom's was the first one in there. I will forever Cherish that paper.
I'm sad my mom will not be here when the baby's born. Cedric probably won't remember her. I am dreading telling my children tomorrow (Mon. 9/12) the news. I'm sad my brother, Nate is not here, he's in Germany and was planning on coming at Christmas time. Instead, I'm sure we'll be seeing him this week. I'm sad for my dad. He loved my mom. He's going to be so lonely without her. I'm sad my mom won't be here for birthdays, holidays, weddings or missionaries. My parents will never get to serve a couples mission.
But I'm happy for my mom. I know she is in the spirit world with her dad she has not seen in over 50 years, her grandparents & my grandpa Ned. She's free of the hardships of this mortal existence. I know I'll see her again. I am so grateful for that knowledge, that I have a righteous family and that I've chosen to strive for the blessings of eternity. It's ironic that my mom died in a car accident, the same way her dad died. We did an early birthday party for my mom on Friday. Her birthday would have been this coming Saturday (Today). Her birthday is also the day her dad died.
I am grateful I am at least an adult and did not loose her when I was young. This is the closest person I've ever had die in my life. I know it still isn't fully real to me yet. I am not looking forward to seeing her body as then I know it will be real. I've never helped plan a funeral before. I have so many emotions running through me right now. I don't know how this week will go.
I am grateful we had Lily's baptism yesterday. It was such a neat, spiritual experience. It was one of the best, last things I could've done with my mom. I love her!"
That journal entry was almost a week ago, but it seems like that night was forever ago. we also went over to my brother, Isaac's house that night to break the news to him and his wife. The whole thought of that night still makes my body hurt.
Monday, we woke up (after hardly sleeping) to phone calls and FaceBook messages lighting up the Ipod. Apparently the story was on the news and sadly so many people found out that way. When Lily woke up for school Tom and I went down to tell her what had happened. She cried and so did I. I wanted her to still go to school that day, but to take her time. She seemed okay after a little bit and was able to make it to school on time. I did send a note for the teacher explaining what happened and to let her call home if she needed to. She made it through okay. Jeff and Cedric didn't seem too affected by the news right off, they didn't really understand it like Lily did. Mike and Aimee had driven through the night to St. George. My dad was released from the hospital and they went to the tow place to look through what was left of the car. My sister said it was so hard as there was blood on so much. All I did all day was FaceBook, email, text and talk on the phone. It was so nice to have that support system of loved ones flooding through. Tom was great to be here for me and the kids since I was not able to really focus on much else that day. That night finally came and we were able to go visit my dad. I was pretty upset with how bad he looked and he was in a lot of pain, but it was a miracle that he was able to walk away from the accident with such minor injuries. We are lucky to still have him.
Tuesday, I started the day off normal (or as normal as I could) thinking we'd just comfort my dad in shifts and there wasn't much else to do (boy was I wrong). I called Aimee that morning about a half hour before preschool started and found out we were all supposed to meet at the mortuary at 10:00 to see my mom's body. Luckily I had my aunt coming to help with preschool and just quickly showed her what to do before I left. Tom was heading in to work and I called him and told him to turn around and come home. We all went to the mortuary together. I had been dreading seeing my mom as my cousin, Ned (he is a mortician and the one who went and picked up my mom's body from St. George) described how bad she was. However, when we walked in the room with her body, it was still so hard and we all just cried, but she was cleaned up and looked a lot better then I had imagined. Her nose was broken and the right side of her face was pretty bruised and banged up. But her mouth, chin and left cheek were perfect. So were her feet. We couldn't believe with how bruised my dad's feet were how perfect my mom's feet looked. I felt so much better seeing her body. It was only obvious it was just a body and the spirit was no longer in her. After seeing her, we immediately met to go over funeral preparations. I called my friend, Rosalie and arranged for her to pick up my boys after preschool and take Jeff to kindergarten. I already arranged with my friend, Amanda to take the kids after school and called her to pick up Cedric and the other two from the bus. Knowing my kids were in good hands for the rest of the day I was able to focus on the task at hand. We went back to my dad's house and my brother, Isaac and I volunteered to be in charge of the pictures for the program, the slide show and the display tables. This was the perfect job for me as I felt busy and was able to reflect upon memories of my mom as we worked. I was actually really enjoying our day. It was so nice to just be together as a family and to be there with my dad. That night I went and got my hair done. Since I felt like I was representing my mom I wanted to look my best. That day Jeff had hung a picture in Cedric's room and said he wanted to put it there so Cedric would remember him after he died. I asked him if he thought he was going to die because grandma did and he tearfully said 'yes'. I was glad to see him emotional since I think he had been holding it in, but I explained to him that he would be okay and was not going to die. It's interesting how kids interpret things.
Wednesday, I was sleeping so much better by this point, but the mornings and nights are still the hardest. Tom stayed home again to be Mr. Mom and I headed off to my dad's again to finish the picture project. It was again so nice to be there. I was almost more depressed being home then at my parent's home. I had to slip away for a doctors appointment, but even some of the people at the doctors office had seen the news and asked how things were. When I arrived back at my dad's house my grandparents and aunt were there. My mom's parents are from Seattle and her sister is from Minnesota so it was so fun to see them. I ended up staying at my dad's the rest of the day. I was so grateful for Tom taking care of things at home. People had brought a lot of food over too, so it was nice to help my dad eat it and not have to think about meals. We also went through some of my mom's jewelry so we could give some to my grandma and aunts too. That night my siblings, dad and I headed to the airport to pick up my brother, Nate who lives in Germany. It was such nice site to see Nate again. As we drove home he told us his story of finding out the news and having to tell other relatives in Germany about what happened. We headed up to the Country store at the Dairy where we had the rest of our families waiting and we had a private ice cream party with Nate. It was nice to take a break and have fun for a minute. However, I could tell by that night that the adrenaline was starting to fade.
Thursday, I had cancelled preschool and left Tom home with the kids again. I headed over to the church where the viewing was going to be that night to help set up. Then I headed home to quickly write my talk for the funeral (it was the first time I was home to do it and not dead tired) and get ready for the viewing. First we had a family viewing where we had an open casket. Since Aimee and I are the only daughters we got to put my mom's socks and slippers on (we couldn't do all the dressing since my mom's body was so fragile from the accident). It was neat to do the little dressing we did. She was so stiff and cold, yet it didn't seem disturbing to me at all, just special. This was the first time my kids got to see the body. Lily just cried, and cried and cried. Cedric thought she was sleeping (he was so confused and kept going up to Grandma Great and my dad asking "did you die?"), Jeff tried to be tough and was busy eating the complimentary mints there. I ended up spending most of the family viewing in the mortuary office doing the final touches on the slide show with the office worker. After the viewing we went up to my dad's for a catered dinner, provided by Olive Garden. Then my siblings and I went over our talks for the funeral together to make sure none of us said the same things. Then we headed over to the church for the public viewing. My friend, Diane ended up taking the kids so they wouldn't have to be there for the night. The public viewing ended up being such a bitter/sweet night. It was such a neat thing to see so much support, so many flowers and to visit with people from all walks of my mom's life. We did a closed casket, as we knew our mom would only want to look her best, and we didn't think she would like the way her face now looked after the accident. I was tired by that night, but it was such a good night.
Friday, was the day of the funeral. I will post my story of that day tomorrow along with pictures.
Speaking of pictures, we have not been able to find my mom's camera. The last picture we have of my mom is her and Lily at the baptism, but it's on her camera. We've had Aimee's sister-in-law who lives in St. George look through the car again and where the accident took place. We've searched through all my mom's bags and purses, we've looked all over the house and still cannot find the camera. I'm devastated. Who knows what other precious pictures it could contain.